Friendship

When someone holds out a hand in friendship you don't slap it away and I didn't.  I was surprised by someone who I will not name who reached out to me not once but twice but in reading this she will know who she is.  I was surprised by the offer but am thankful.  Our friendship has not been easy.  Our road has not been straight.  I walk with caution as I know she does because we are just starting to find our way.   Life is amazing because just when you're starting to settle in one way and believe this is the way it is and is going to be there is a twist that shows you something different.  So when you are shown something different don't turn your back.  When you're offered something see where it takes you.  We live in a world of distrust, cynicism, and disbelief.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if some time in your life you could be proved differently?  Take a chance.  What do you have to loose?

Unemployed

                   Do you really think that I enjoy being at home unemployed?  That it is one long yippee party?  That I enjoy having to depend on others when I depended on me?  I love being able to take care of myself.  I am strong and independent.  Don't you read the stories of the people who have applied for a gazillion jobs day after, waiting breathlessly for that phone to ring, waiting for those magical words of you're hired?  Don't you read the stories about the companies who don't want to give the unemployed a chance.  I'm a hard worker.  A good worker and if you gave me a chance I could show you that. Don't you think that I am stressed, at times depressed and most of the time desperate to be on my own two feet again?  Do you really think a forty-five year old woman wants to live at home with her parents?  I have nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Can't support myself.  Can't walk into a hairdresser and have my hair cut the way that I used to so now I look like Crazy Woman.  Can't walk into a supermarket and buy the food that I need because hey guess what I'd rather be at home, unemployed having one long yippee party.  Can't walk into a store and buy a new blouse cause guess what I'd rather wear the same five pieces of clothing over and over again.  Can't walk into a bookstore and pick up a book by one of my favorite authors cause guess what I'd rather be unemployed and at home having a long yippee party.  Don't lecture me.  Don't tell me what I have to do because what I want more than anything is my independence, my strenght and for these long yippee party days to be over.  Way over.  I want to hold my head up high.  I want my life back.    So instead of lecturing me tell me that's it going to be okay even if it's not.  I will get a job.  I will get back on my feet.  Maybe a little wobbly in the beginning and weak in the knees but I have this unshakable faith in myself that I can and will do this.  I don't want your pity.  Don't need it.  What I want.  What I need is a job and my self-respect back.  So when someone tells you they've been laid off don't look at them like they're something on the bottom of your shoe you want to scrape off.  Tell them it's going to be okay.  Hold out your hand.  These are very hard times we are living but I'm hoping to learn from this because I'm already learning how strong I am.  How this will not knock me to my knees.  I will hold up my head and you look you in the eye because I think deep inside you have this fear that yes this could be you at any moment and that is something no one ever wants to think about.

In this blog I want to pay tribute to my cat Nela who I lost on August 27, 2011.  She had started out as my pet and became family.  Only a real pet lover knows how devastating it is to loose that pet.  She was the first pet who was truly mine.  She was a loud, obnoxious and loving cat who shared my pillow at night and would meow at the top of her lungs when her food bowl wasn't filled to her liking or I hadn't cleaned the cat box the way that she liked.  On her last morning when I wrapped her in a towel to carry her out of the house for the last time she trustingly placed her head on my shoulder confident that I would do was what right by her and I did.  I was in the room for her last moments of life.  It was only fair to her because if I had been there for her from the very beginning I needed to be there for her at the end.  I had her cremated.  I wasn't planning on having her cremated but in speaking to my brother it made realize what a good choice that made.  I don't plan to set up an altar with her container when she comes home on Thursday.  But I've realized that even just having her ashes nearby is enough to ease some of the pain in my chest.
                    On Sunday I awoke looking for her.  I had spent Saturday crying for her and much of Sunday was the same.  I see her out of the corner or my eye sometimes and feel her presence next to her.  My heart hurts.  It feels like someone ripped it out of my chest and stomped on it.  I miss her more now than when I first lost her even though I know I did the right thing.  Nela's backlegs had been paralyzed by a blood clot.  She had wet herself.  No matter how heart renching it was for me there was no way I was going to let her suffer.  I just wish she had gone in a much gentler manner.
                   Rest in peace dear Nela.  I love you and I will always miss.  I will never forget you.