I found my writing voice.  I was talking to a friend tonight about my writing and how I had been struggling with it not quite sure what was wrong.  I felt like a dog chasing her tail going round, round and round and never getting anywhere.  So instead of fighting what was wrong I slowed down and just listened to my thoughts.  Listened to what it is that I want and it hit me. The ideas that I had were good ideas but they were not mine.  I am meant to go in another direction.  I went back and read some of the blogs that I've already written and it was as clear as day. I went back to some of what I had already written and it was there.  I lifted the blindfold, blinked and saw the answer that I was seeking.  I will use this blog as I originally intended and that is to write about the journey of my writing.  I should have started this blog a long time ago because it has helped me by simply opening up and expressing my thoughts. 

Friendship

When someone holds out a hand in friendship you don't slap it away and I didn't.  I was surprised by someone who I will not name who reached out to me not once but twice but in reading this she will know who she is.  I was surprised by the offer but am thankful.  Our friendship has not been easy.  Our road has not been straight.  I walk with caution as I know she does because we are just starting to find our way.   Life is amazing because just when you're starting to settle in one way and believe this is the way it is and is going to be there is a twist that shows you something different.  So when you are shown something different don't turn your back.  When you're offered something see where it takes you.  We live in a world of distrust, cynicism, and disbelief.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if some time in your life you could be proved differently?  Take a chance.  What do you have to loose?

Unemployed

                   Do you really think that I enjoy being at home unemployed?  That it is one long yippee party?  That I enjoy having to depend on others when I depended on me?  I love being able to take care of myself.  I am strong and independent.  Don't you read the stories of the people who have applied for a gazillion jobs day after, waiting breathlessly for that phone to ring, waiting for those magical words of you're hired?  Don't you read the stories about the companies who don't want to give the unemployed a chance.  I'm a hard worker.  A good worker and if you gave me a chance I could show you that. Don't you think that I am stressed, at times depressed and most of the time desperate to be on my own two feet again?  Do you really think a forty-five year old woman wants to live at home with her parents?  I have nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Can't support myself.  Can't walk into a hairdresser and have my hair cut the way that I used to so now I look like Crazy Woman.  Can't walk into a supermarket and buy the food that I need because hey guess what I'd rather be at home, unemployed having one long yippee party.  Can't walk into a store and buy a new blouse cause guess what I'd rather wear the same five pieces of clothing over and over again.  Can't walk into a bookstore and pick up a book by one of my favorite authors cause guess what I'd rather be unemployed and at home having a long yippee party.  Don't lecture me.  Don't tell me what I have to do because what I want more than anything is my independence, my strenght and for these long yippee party days to be over.  Way over.  I want to hold my head up high.  I want my life back.    So instead of lecturing me tell me that's it going to be okay even if it's not.  I will get a job.  I will get back on my feet.  Maybe a little wobbly in the beginning and weak in the knees but I have this unshakable faith in myself that I can and will do this.  I don't want your pity.  Don't need it.  What I want.  What I need is a job and my self-respect back.  So when someone tells you they've been laid off don't look at them like they're something on the bottom of your shoe you want to scrape off.  Tell them it's going to be okay.  Hold out your hand.  These are very hard times we are living but I'm hoping to learn from this because I'm already learning how strong I am.  How this will not knock me to my knees.  I will hold up my head and you look you in the eye because I think deep inside you have this fear that yes this could be you at any moment and that is something no one ever wants to think about.

In this blog I want to pay tribute to my cat Nela who I lost on August 27, 2011.  She had started out as my pet and became family.  Only a real pet lover knows how devastating it is to loose that pet.  She was the first pet who was truly mine.  She was a loud, obnoxious and loving cat who shared my pillow at night and would meow at the top of her lungs when her food bowl wasn't filled to her liking or I hadn't cleaned the cat box the way that she liked.  On her last morning when I wrapped her in a towel to carry her out of the house for the last time she trustingly placed her head on my shoulder confident that I would do was what right by her and I did.  I was in the room for her last moments of life.  It was only fair to her because if I had been there for her from the very beginning I needed to be there for her at the end.  I had her cremated.  I wasn't planning on having her cremated but in speaking to my brother it made realize what a good choice that made.  I don't plan to set up an altar with her container when she comes home on Thursday.  But I've realized that even just having her ashes nearby is enough to ease some of the pain in my chest.
                    On Sunday I awoke looking for her.  I had spent Saturday crying for her and much of Sunday was the same.  I see her out of the corner or my eye sometimes and feel her presence next to her.  My heart hurts.  It feels like someone ripped it out of my chest and stomped on it.  I miss her more now than when I first lost her even though I know I did the right thing.  Nela's backlegs had been paralyzed by a blood clot.  She had wet herself.  No matter how heart renching it was for me there was no way I was going to let her suffer.  I just wish she had gone in a much gentler manner.
                   Rest in peace dear Nela.  I love you and I will always miss.  I will never forget you.

I haven't been here in how many days?  Not a good thing.  My mother went out of town for a month leaving me behind to care for a father who doesn't see the floor that needs sweeping or mopping.  Or yes, you should wipe the counters down, scrub the stove and wash out the sink at the end of the night.  I've been waiting for him to go to bed and then coming into the kitchen and cleaning it my way.  Why is that the way women clean is so different from the way men clean?  Oh and don't let him get you started on how he worked all day and then came home and slaved over a hot stove.  Hello, what about the rest of it?  What about the 4 dogs and 2 birds who need constant care?  Or who's going to scrub the toilet and don't get me started on that.  I really, really hate sharing a bathroom with men.  Actually what I am surprised is how well we're getting along.  Don't get me wrong.  It's not perfect.  We can still rub each other the wrong way and don't get me wrong.  I don't mind jumping in and helping.  I just don't but please, please help me keep it this way.  I swear I haven't finished cleaning one thing and he's already making a mess somewhere else and wandering off.  I swear he sometimes has the attention span of a two year old but I love him so I think I'll keep him.
               Oh and yesterday I flooded the living and dining room.  I've been nagging forever about a horrible smell coming from the laundry hallway because that is what I call it.  It's not a laundry room.  It's a hallway where they've put the washer and dryer.  Anyway he found the source of the smell.  It was coming from the drain and don't ask me why he was messing the hoses that connect the washer to the drain but he did and when I was washing the whites yesterday I guess that he didn't tighten the hose tight enough and there was water everywhere.  He got mad at me and told me it was my fault.  I told him absolutely not because I wasn't the one fiddling with the hoses.  I swept most of the water outside until he came in with the wet vac and picked up the rest of the water.  We had to pull out area rugs and let them dry outside.  Thank God for this Florida sun that dries everything in about ten seconds.

I am feeling liberated because I have chosen a different route with my writing.  I was going to send it to different publishing houses and hope for the best but because of what one online friend told me that has changed the way I view self-publishing.  I am in control of what I send out.  I don't have to sit here and hold my breath and mutter please please please while my furbabies contemplate the best way to have me committed.  I am in charge and I can decide what direction to take.  It liberates you in a way that I had not seen coming.  Yes, I will be asking for help in the reading of the WIP and yes I will sit here and mutter please please please like it but because I have chosen to self-publish I no longer have excuses as to not to write.  So yes, I've been writing  but I've been writing like never before because I have nothing to loose and everything to gain because whether it is published by a publishing company or by my own hand I can either fail or not.  So here goes nothing.  I've always hovered on the edge of the cliff but now I'm stepping off so I will either soar or go splat.

One week from today I will be celebrating a birthday.  Everybody who knows me knows how much I like my birthday.  I have never been one of those women who have been bothered by her birthday.  I think it's the most awesome day of the year, LOL.  I was told that I would fall apart when I turned forty and I was just fine.  I like being the age that I am because the older I get the more confident, comfortable with myself and I look forward to what's coming up next.  I'm not bothered by the fact that I will officially be entering my mid-forties and I have been told and read that I have a better chance of either being hit by lightning or hitting the lotto than in getting remarried.  I'm not interested in getting remarried.  I'm not going to sit at home thinking oh my god I'm this age and nobody's going to want me.  Don't get me wrong.  If I met someone, the right someone that would be great but it doesn't consume me.  It is not something that I think about every minute of the day.  I will never make a man the center of my world.  To me he's someone who's the cherry on a sundae.  A sundae is made up of many different things and so is my life.  So he should be a part of it but not the be all and end all.  So one week from today I will be forty-five.
                 I am putting it out there because I don't want to hide the fact that I am turning forty-five.  What you see is you what you get and if you don't like it doesn't bother me.  And for the big 50 I want a big cake with a big 50 candle on it.  Not fifty candles or we're going to have to have an extinguisher nearby.

I am lucky to belong to something called the Cave. It is a site where writers get together to talk about the good the bad and the really ugly.  We're called the BatCave and we're all bats and trust me we can all get a little or a lot batty depending on what's going on.  I have met the most amazing group of strong, independent, fierce and loyal women.  We are all different and that is what makes us so awesome.  We are funny, weird, off-beat, and sarcastic.  We come from all walks of life and are scattered every other which way but this ragtag group of women come together whether we're having good days or having bad days. We're all there for one another.  We may not all get along all of the time.  No, we don't get along all of the time.  We all have different viewpoints and different opinions and trust me we all want to express them at the same time but each woman I have met online has taught me something different.  Has taught me to look at things differently.  To see things in a way I never would have thought of and I hope to be a part of this group for a really long time.  Thank you guys for you know who you are and that is everybatty in the BatCave for making me laugh, for making me cry, for scratching my head and saying "What the flock was she thinking?"  and for feeling very lucky and priveleged to belong to such an amazing group of women.  Keep it coming.
            Oh and I have read and studied and research everything everybatty has said about writing, or plots or whatever else has come my way.  I've listened to some of it, used some of it and ignored some.  But this especially goes out to Spam for showing me something I had really looked at it in a negative way when it totally wasn't and showed me what a good alternative it really is.  So thank you.

Ever felt like the kid on the playground that everybody picks last because nobody wants to play with you?  Everybody is different.  We are fat, skinny, tall or short.  But I want to talk about the ones who listen to the beat of a different drummer.  That's me.  I've been that person my entire life.  I've been made to feel like Cousin It.  Like I'm unwanted and unappreciated.  You have no idea of who I am because you have never, ever made the effort to get to know me and the time has come when it's now too late.  I am embracing me.  The real me that I've always tried to squish down so that I could fit in.  I don't want to be the square peg shoved into the round hole.  Those days are over.  So I'm inviting you.  The Cousin It, the kid on the playground and anybody else who has been made to feel this way to join me.  Embrace the real you.  Embrace the person you are always meant to be.  Join me on this journey and see where it takes us.  Buckle in because we could be in for a bumpy ride but boy oh boy how much fun it can be.  And freeing.  Absolutely and totally freeing.  Don't ever be scared of taking a chance because it could lead to the most amazing and most wonderful place ever.  The place where you belong and are meant to be.

Today I want to write about unemployment.  I've been unemployed for the last two and a half years.  We got hit really hard by this recession and it's been an uphill battle trying to find something that pays more than minimum wage.  I want people to understand that no it's not fun to sit at home, send out resumes and applications, get no response or be told for the first time ever that I'm overqualified for a position.  I think that is just a cop-out from paying a decent wage.
           Not working makes you feel unproductive.  You're not contributing your share.  It's demeaning and uncomfortable when you need to rely on others to help you even though you're so grateful for the help but your eye is on the prize constantly and that is that elusive job that just isn't in your grasp just yet.  We are not lazy and unwilling to work.  Sit at home, not get paid and not be able to support yourself?  Sure, that's just great.  Not be able to provide for youself when you've been doing that since the first day you took a job?  Know you need or want something that you can't get because you have no income coming in.
           On the other hand though being unemployed has taught me many lessons.  Like the excess of things that I thought I needed to be happy.  Not true.  It's taught me what's important to me and what I can live without.  It's taught me to be happy with much less.  I know what my priorities are now.  I know that this like everything else in life happens for a reason.  I know that this is a life lesson that I needed to be taught and until I learned from it I was doomed to repeat it over and over again. 
            I let my creative side suffer because I thought I was too tired from working.  The one who suffered was me because I became angry and resentful and because I couldn't or wouldn't find a balance it just became a vicious cycle that turned me around in circles until I was dizzy.  I know better now.  I know I need to find a balance to feed both sides of me or my soul will suffer.
            I am meant to take the road less travelled.  And so far I've never regretted nor will I.  So take the road less travelled.  Take a chance on something you've always wanted to do but were too afraid to try.  Or tired,  Or thought you were too old to try.  It's never too late until you are six feet under the ground.  Spread your wings and fly.

Today I want to write about taking ownership of yourself.  Don't know how many people have been here but I'm talking about doing things because everybody else has told you so whether it's your mama, your daddy, your husband, child and so on.  This is something I've found very difficult because I'm a people pleaser.  I don't like to rock the boat. I want people to like me.  What has this gotten me?  Angry, frustrated, trapped and stuck.  All at myself because we all need to be ourselves whether anybody agrees or not.  I've been growing out my hair for a while because it's what everyone has always told me is what I should do and I hate it because I've been wearing my hair short for a very long time.  It makes me feel that if I'm not doing as others say that they don't like me.  They don't want to like me unless I buckle under and do as they want.  Well no more.  From this moment on I will take ownership of myself.  It's more important to me that I'm strong, that I believe in myself and I finally become that person that I always wanted to be but always cowered because of others and their opinions.  Even if no one else respects my choices and decisions I always will and that is more important.

          Oh and by the way I've been writing!  Very exciting for me.  Don't expect it to be easy.  Don't want it to be easy.  I want to work hard for this because it will mean that much more to me.

I've decided to do this because I am a woman in her forties who has spent the last two and a half years lost, confused and totally turned around.  I'm a writer.  It's always been the only thing I have ever wanted to do but for some reason I've always held myself back but in starting this blog I can hold myself responsible for finishing the WIP I have started over and over again.  Hello?  Procrastination anybody?  Or fear?  Or any of the excuses that have filled my life lately until I feel like I'm drowning and I'm blindly reaching out for something to grab on to.  My life right now is a mess and I blame no one   but myself  but I'll come back to that later on.  Right now I want to concentrate on finally finishing this book.  If anybody reads this don't be afraid to reach out for what you want.  What do you have to fear?  Failing?  You're failing right at this moment by not reaching for your dreams.