One week from today I will be celebrating a birthday.  Everybody who knows me knows how much I like my birthday.  I have never been one of those women who have been bothered by her birthday.  I think it's the most awesome day of the year, LOL.  I was told that I would fall apart when I turned forty and I was just fine.  I like being the age that I am because the older I get the more confident, comfortable with myself and I look forward to what's coming up next.  I'm not bothered by the fact that I will officially be entering my mid-forties and I have been told and read that I have a better chance of either being hit by lightning or hitting the lotto than in getting remarried.  I'm not interested in getting remarried.  I'm not going to sit at home thinking oh my god I'm this age and nobody's going to want me.  Don't get me wrong.  If I met someone, the right someone that would be great but it doesn't consume me.  It is not something that I think about every minute of the day.  I will never make a man the center of my world.  To me he's someone who's the cherry on a sundae.  A sundae is made up of many different things and so is my life.  So he should be a part of it but not the be all and end all.  So one week from today I will be forty-five.
                 I am putting it out there because I don't want to hide the fact that I am turning forty-five.  What you see is you what you get and if you don't like it doesn't bother me.  And for the big 50 I want a big cake with a big 50 candle on it.  Not fifty candles or we're going to have to have an extinguisher nearby.

I am lucky to belong to something called the Cave. It is a site where writers get together to talk about the good the bad and the really ugly.  We're called the BatCave and we're all bats and trust me we can all get a little or a lot batty depending on what's going on.  I have met the most amazing group of strong, independent, fierce and loyal women.  We are all different and that is what makes us so awesome.  We are funny, weird, off-beat, and sarcastic.  We come from all walks of life and are scattered every other which way but this ragtag group of women come together whether we're having good days or having bad days. We're all there for one another.  We may not all get along all of the time.  No, we don't get along all of the time.  We all have different viewpoints and different opinions and trust me we all want to express them at the same time but each woman I have met online has taught me something different.  Has taught me to look at things differently.  To see things in a way I never would have thought of and I hope to be a part of this group for a really long time.  Thank you guys for you know who you are and that is everybatty in the BatCave for making me laugh, for making me cry, for scratching my head and saying "What the flock was she thinking?"  and for feeling very lucky and priveleged to belong to such an amazing group of women.  Keep it coming.
            Oh and I have read and studied and research everything everybatty has said about writing, or plots or whatever else has come my way.  I've listened to some of it, used some of it and ignored some.  But this especially goes out to Spam for showing me something I had really looked at it in a negative way when it totally wasn't and showed me what a good alternative it really is.  So thank you.

Ever felt like the kid on the playground that everybody picks last because nobody wants to play with you?  Everybody is different.  We are fat, skinny, tall or short.  But I want to talk about the ones who listen to the beat of a different drummer.  That's me.  I've been that person my entire life.  I've been made to feel like Cousin It.  Like I'm unwanted and unappreciated.  You have no idea of who I am because you have never, ever made the effort to get to know me and the time has come when it's now too late.  I am embracing me.  The real me that I've always tried to squish down so that I could fit in.  I don't want to be the square peg shoved into the round hole.  Those days are over.  So I'm inviting you.  The Cousin It, the kid on the playground and anybody else who has been made to feel this way to join me.  Embrace the real you.  Embrace the person you are always meant to be.  Join me on this journey and see where it takes us.  Buckle in because we could be in for a bumpy ride but boy oh boy how much fun it can be.  And freeing.  Absolutely and totally freeing.  Don't ever be scared of taking a chance because it could lead to the most amazing and most wonderful place ever.  The place where you belong and are meant to be.

Today I want to write about unemployment.  I've been unemployed for the last two and a half years.  We got hit really hard by this recession and it's been an uphill battle trying to find something that pays more than minimum wage.  I want people to understand that no it's not fun to sit at home, send out resumes and applications, get no response or be told for the first time ever that I'm overqualified for a position.  I think that is just a cop-out from paying a decent wage.
           Not working makes you feel unproductive.  You're not contributing your share.  It's demeaning and uncomfortable when you need to rely on others to help you even though you're so grateful for the help but your eye is on the prize constantly and that is that elusive job that just isn't in your grasp just yet.  We are not lazy and unwilling to work.  Sit at home, not get paid and not be able to support yourself?  Sure, that's just great.  Not be able to provide for youself when you've been doing that since the first day you took a job?  Know you need or want something that you can't get because you have no income coming in.
           On the other hand though being unemployed has taught me many lessons.  Like the excess of things that I thought I needed to be happy.  Not true.  It's taught me what's important to me and what I can live without.  It's taught me to be happy with much less.  I know what my priorities are now.  I know that this like everything else in life happens for a reason.  I know that this is a life lesson that I needed to be taught and until I learned from it I was doomed to repeat it over and over again. 
            I let my creative side suffer because I thought I was too tired from working.  The one who suffered was me because I became angry and resentful and because I couldn't or wouldn't find a balance it just became a vicious cycle that turned me around in circles until I was dizzy.  I know better now.  I know I need to find a balance to feed both sides of me or my soul will suffer.
            I am meant to take the road less travelled.  And so far I've never regretted nor will I.  So take the road less travelled.  Take a chance on something you've always wanted to do but were too afraid to try.  Or tired,  Or thought you were too old to try.  It's never too late until you are six feet under the ground.  Spread your wings and fly.

Today I want to write about taking ownership of yourself.  Don't know how many people have been here but I'm talking about doing things because everybody else has told you so whether it's your mama, your daddy, your husband, child and so on.  This is something I've found very difficult because I'm a people pleaser.  I don't like to rock the boat. I want people to like me.  What has this gotten me?  Angry, frustrated, trapped and stuck.  All at myself because we all need to be ourselves whether anybody agrees or not.  I've been growing out my hair for a while because it's what everyone has always told me is what I should do and I hate it because I've been wearing my hair short for a very long time.  It makes me feel that if I'm not doing as others say that they don't like me.  They don't want to like me unless I buckle under and do as they want.  Well no more.  From this moment on I will take ownership of myself.  It's more important to me that I'm strong, that I believe in myself and I finally become that person that I always wanted to be but always cowered because of others and their opinions.  Even if no one else respects my choices and decisions I always will and that is more important.

          Oh and by the way I've been writing!  Very exciting for me.  Don't expect it to be easy.  Don't want it to be easy.  I want to work hard for this because it will mean that much more to me.

I've decided to do this because I am a woman in her forties who has spent the last two and a half years lost, confused and totally turned around.  I'm a writer.  It's always been the only thing I have ever wanted to do but for some reason I've always held myself back but in starting this blog I can hold myself responsible for finishing the WIP I have started over and over again.  Hello?  Procrastination anybody?  Or fear?  Or any of the excuses that have filled my life lately until I feel like I'm drowning and I'm blindly reaching out for something to grab on to.  My life right now is a mess and I blame no one   but myself  but I'll come back to that later on.  Right now I want to concentrate on finally finishing this book.  If anybody reads this don't be afraid to reach out for what you want.  What do you have to fear?  Failing?  You're failing right at this moment by not reaching for your dreams.